Toasty Thoughts on Toast

I write this shortly after eating a toasted egg sandwich that really wasn't evenly toasted. Disappointing. One side was obviously colder and softer than the dark, rich, crunchy bread to its immediate right (or left depending on how I ate the sandwich). Why is the idea of eating a completely evenly toasted piece of bread such a difficult concept? Why can't I have the fantastic experience of eating pumpernickel or rye holistically with sheer satisfaction? I'll tell you why; because in this crazy world, everything is exponentially larger than it needs to be, regardless of what that "it" is. It's because bread slices have been getting bigger and bigger, but toasters haven't. You would think that someone like Dyson would notice this by now. He probably doesn't eat toast. He probably just eats grass. Then you're probably thinking, if we made toasters bigger to accommodate bigger pieces of bread, then we'd be stuck with these big honkin', bulky toasters on our counter and that would just look weird and be downright inconvenient. But I don't think it needs to be like that at all, well, to a degree. I think that if they just found the biggest slice of bread they could imagine, and used that as the basis for the size of the toaster, then it would all be good. It's kind of a 'one size fits all' dealy. To this, you probably think, but what if I put a small piece of bread in that toaster? I'll have to use a knife to get it out (Yes, you have. I know you have.) and perhaps risk getting electrocuted (because I know you also occasionally forget to unplug it while fishing for that little piece of burnt bread.) Here's the solution; SENSORS! Sensors seem to be the answer to everything now a day and they're used for everything; from automatically opening and closing the garage door to ensuring that your dog stays in the yard….why can't they be used in a toaster? The toaster would automatically sense the size and weight of the bread in the toaster and instantly adjust the "basket" or internal walls of the toaster so that it gets just the right amount of equal toastiness from all angles. So if a small piece of bread is in there, the bottom of the basket just rises a little. Brilliant. No more soggy egg sandwiches. 


So let's go back to size for a moment because if you're from a family of four and have one of those 4 slice toasters, then you are probably imagining a dishwasher sized toaster sitting on your counter. But perhaps I could propose the concept of excessiveness, and that perhaps we all just need a one slice toaster; especially if its sensors have just indicated that it has the largest slice possible sitting in its slot. Maybe that one slice could even be cut in two and shared after it is toasted. And then perhaps you think about time and how hectic your mornings are and how inefficient it would be to have to put one slice of bread in the toaster at a time. But maybe on "toast days" (instead of oatmeal or cereal bar or grass eating days), you would wake up a bit earlier, use your time a bit wiser, and leave more room to congregate with your family in the kitchen while everyone waits for their token piece of perfectly toasted toast. *Ding!* Maybe the toaster is like a metronome, set on the slowest pace possible, to make a family stop. ….just stop and wait for their toast and fill that time with conversation. You could say things like, "I wonder how that toaster makes such a perfectly even piece of toast?" or, "I wonder what Dyson eats for breakfast?" 


Hmmmmmm…..I don't think I was trying to get too philosophical or metaphorical with my thoughts on toast. Mind you, you can take them anyway you want. These are simply the kinds of thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. I don't know whether that makes me insane, or ingenious. I truly think that I may have been an inventor in a past life, albeit, not a very good one, because I have no engineering savvy or fathomable comprehension of physics in the least. Planes flying through the air are sheer magic to me. Projectable hunks of metal carrying hundreds of people over an immense ocean are sheer magic. Toasters that can toast evenly are sheer magic. Sweatshirts made out of recycled pop bottles….you got it….magic. But I'm always thinking of ways to make that experience just a little bit more magical, even if not very logical. 


So here's a toast to the modern toaster. Cheers!