Tattoo'd Good This Time

 I just went through the process of seriously inflicting an excruciating amount of pain on myself on Friday, getting my third, (and perhaps last? Nah....probably not) tattoo done. I walked in the doors of Underground Ink at 3:30 and didn't leave until after 11pm that night. I wish there was another way to go through the process without having to feel what I did, but ultimately, after everything is said and done, it was worth it. It's kinda like childbirth. Actually, the pain is akin to childbirth, and everyone continues to blindly go through that process as well. Otherwise, awesome artists like Mike Magee wouldn't have been born to do the work that he did on my arm. When I had my second tattoo done, I went with my buddy Corey to a studio in Winnipeg. We were both getting tattoos done for our children. Corey had not had one before so he asked the artist what it feels like, and the artist's response was, "Like someone is drawing a picture on your body with a razor blade." I thought that was a horrible description, being such a visual person, and had images of a blood letting. But in talking with my sister about that afterwards she said that is exactly what she would want to hear so that she'd be prepared for the pain. I guess I am a bit "fuzzy bunny" and like to be oblivious to the pain until it actually happens. And it happened, for about 7 hours. Imagine going through a full days work with someone "drawing pictures on your body with a razor blade". Yeah, not fun. I think I was probably going in to shock after a while. haha

So why did I do it? Am I a sadist? Certainly not. I did not get any pleasure in the feeling of pain. But this is how I described it to Mike, and why he was an important catalyst in a cathartic healing process that I have been going through:

It starts here. I go to Trout Forest Therapy and get acupuncture done for a plethora of reasons; to help with some nerve damage and cartilage damage, to help with the elimination of allergens and detoxify my body, and to emotionally detoxify as well. It is a fantastically awesome feeling. But sometimes when Deanna puts the needle in, I yell out something blasphemous. She always rolls her eyes and says something like, "Thanks for scaring away all of my customers." I have a potty mouth. When I question why I am on fire, she says that my body is getting rid of negative energy. That my qi (my energy) is being "cleansed" and that burning feeling is the escape of negativity. So when Mike was carving up my arm, I tried to focus and think about all of the negativity that was escaping from my body. He wasn't inflicting pain ON me, he was actually helping to release residual pain FROM me and it was going to hurt. My qi had a lot of cleansing to do.

My tattoo design is based on my family, and is an abstract, stylized Woodland Art-ish drawing that I did of a tree.(When Mike started working on my arm, I said "prepare to crawl into the mind of a left handed doodler." and "I hope you like circles.") At the base of the tree is the roots, and I incorporated all of my family's hand outlines into the roots of the tree. They are my base; my foundation. Above their hands is a  symbolic representation of me. I am the raven's wing and I am the center of the tree. I am supported by the hands of my family and able to be the funny, trickster, carefree, person that I am. They have helped me to become who I am. From there, life flows from the tree in a plethora of circles (always evolving) and fresh, green leaves. The tree embraces a bear paw which sits in a dual sun/moon image. I too see myself as connected to the bear. The bear is my nemesis and has devoured many of my dreams but I also have a fond respect for the bear, and it's nurturing, caring, protective nature. I am a mama bear.  The sun and moon is for balance, and to show that differences (as different as day and night) need to be appreciated and respected regardless of how difficult it may be to see that perspective.

This concept did not come to me overnight. It is part of a continual journey that I have been participating in while learning more about myself and my family dynamics and changing my perspective and feeling comfortable with the idiosyncrasies of our family.  We all have family situations that trouble us, and my situation is no different. We have all felt pain, and I was ready to release mine and look at my family with new eyes and new appreciation and acceptance. Getting this tattoo is a perpetual reminder to appreciate what I have been given and what my family has done for me in a positive way. The negativity is gone. It's released.

I am proud of my family and who they have helped me to become.

 And just to give you an idea of my family, I went to visit my Great Auntie Mary before I got my tattoo done and she called me a "stupid ass" for getting one. That was her way of saying, "I love you and don't want you to get hurt." I smiled and thought, she's 95 and can say I love you however she wants to. :) I am a stupid ass. I am a happy, stupid ass with a big mother trucker of a tattoo on my arm that rocks.