Love is in the Air...

....or so it would seem when I walked in to the pharmacy yesterday and was bombarded with Valentine-commercialism this and lovey-dovey that. Oh yeah, I thought....Valentine's day is coming up. It's easy to forget when you're single and just trudging through winter. Ironically, Valentine's day always reminds me of being sick, because when I was a little girl, I was always drastically ill on Valentine's day and usually didn't make it to school for the great card exchange. Instead, I was at home hacking up a lung (I was always allowed to be in my parent's bed when I was sick, surrounded by Archie comic books), visualizing that moment when the guy I had the brutal crush on went and put the card into my envelope, delicately decorated with paper lace hearts, wishing that I was there so that he could tell me how deeply his love for me travels. *sigh* And that of course is never how it went when I got back to school a few days later. Usually my Valentines were either stuffed in my desk or my older sister was ordered to bring them home, much to her chagrin. And the guy that I had a crush on usually gave me a good sock on the shoulder and called me a name like "fruit cake" and asked if I wanted to play soccer. That was as good as it got in the romantic department when I was a kid, but I didn't mind. I was a tomboy and brutally shy....yes, I was brutally shy (I still am) and a sock on the shoulder was better than nothing. And there in lay the beginnings of my introspective analysis of the male breed and this interesting mating game that continues to confuse and mesmerize and down right baffle me at times.
I have learned to laugh at my experiences with love and have yet to give up on the prospects of what love holds for me. But in the mean time, I'll leave you with some interesting things (some may consider them rules?) I have learned about love and dating and the mating game and all that stuff we like to reflect on, every year, smack dab in the dead of winter when we're freezing our asses off. (Who decided on February 14th anyway? It's got to be one of the most depressing times of year! Everyone's feeling all fat and lazy and hairy, and far from sexy and romantic. I vote that Valentine's day should be in July, when everyone's basking in the glow of the sun.) Until that day happens, here's my advice:

1. Don't date the guy that smells like bologna and still lives with his parents.

2. Don't date the guy that agrees with absolutely everything you say and do. You will eventually tire of the flattery and wonder if he has a single thought of his own in his pretty little head.

3. Date the guy that likes going to folk festivals. He's open minded and probably cute too.

4. Don't date the guy that says his body is just a "sack of skin" carrying his energy and it's almost ridiculous that he needs to carry it around when really that energy can just transport anywhere it wants to. You will spend time wondering and worrying whether he will chose to leave his sack of skin behind at any given time.

5. Have sex in a horse shoe pit at least once in your life just so you can say you did.

6. You might want to reconsider dating the guy that says, "How are you about nose picking?" Don't take it as a sign that he's comfortable with you. He's going to pick his nose in front of you whether you're comfortable with it or not, and the crappy part is that he'll probably do so while driving YOUR vehicle and now you'll have to worry where the product of his nose picking ended up.

7. Don't go out with the guy that is afraid to tell his parents who you are, regardless of your age.

8. If you have children, don't introduce your boyfriend to them for a long amount of time. They could become more attached to him than you are. The boyfriend should not be a replacement for their father. Their father is their father.

9. If a man insults your home decor, kick him out immediately. Your home is a reflection of your personality and it won't be long before he's insulting you.

10. Date the guy that likes his dad, and has a healthy relationship with his dad.

11. Don't date the guy that prides himself on going 19 days without cleaning himself. You'll eventually be subjected to that and it won't look or smell nice.

12. Have sex on the golf course at least once in your life just to say you have.

13. Do not sleep with a man that is engaged or married. He will not leave you for his fiance or wife. If anything, he'll go back to his fiance/wife more determined that he picked the right one. He loves her, not you.

14. It's not cool if a guy hitchhikes for 5 hours to visit you, especially if you had no idea he'd show up at your door. It's creepy.

15. It is even creepier if same said hitchhiker guy pulls out a black balaclava and asks if you want to see him wear that later. Try to avoid dating guys like that, unless you're in to balaclavas.

16. Guys that like to taxidermy birds may make you feel like you're in a perpetual Hitchcock movie.

17. Date the guy that compliments you verbally. Don't be happy with "just knowing he does...". You deserve to hear it, just as you would say it to him.

18. Wait until he's through his "religious phase" because ultimately you'll be competing with God, and that's hard to do.

19. Guys with ham radios are hard to understand so brush up on your knowledge of Morse code and antennas if you're going to date a ham radio guy. Pick up a book on sound waves too.

20. Date the guy that tells his mom openly that he loves her without embarrassment.

21. If he's non-communicative at the beginning of your relationship, he'll be rendered a mute by the end of your relationship. You won't be able to get him to speak or open up to you. Go find someone that will speak instead.

22. Men that cry at the sight of rainbows may be just a little bit too sensitive.

23. Date the guy that doesn't care if you ate garlic the day before and it's permeating out of every single pore in your body.

24. Date the guy that likes to read in bed.

25. It's ok to be picky. Don't pick the guy you "kinda like" or "will grow to like"...date the guy you really, really like. Be true to yourself and trust your instinct.

Well, it seems to me that I could probably continue with this one, but now I'll put it into your hands. What's the best advice you've ever given yourself regarding that big old intense word we call love? And by the way, Happy Valentine's Day, eh?