"Not by the Farm of My Hairy Kid," said Mr. Farty Pants

My son has a hilarious book called "Gab Flabs". You've seen them before; they're the book that asks you to list off a bunch of nouns, verbs and adjectives and then you plunk them into sentences in a story with ridiculous results. For example, a sentence may say, "We (---verb---) nothing left to (---verb---). You'll have to sell our only (---noun---)." The best part is that your partner does not know what the title of the story is, just that he or she has to come up with interesting words. In this case, the sentence turned out to be, "We have nothing left to fly! You'll have to sell our only french fry!" This was of course from the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk.

Utilizing these books are an excellent way to learn about the diversity of words, as my son struggles to come up with a plethora of nouns that don't just connect to the word "butt" (but as you'll see, he has learned to use this word in a lot of different ways. *sigh*)  He's also expanding his vocabulary and learning about the breadth of actions that are available at his disposal as I share words like "quiver" and "slither" and "snot". Yeah, sometimes I tap in to my inner child.....

Most of the stories are based on children's fables and tales, so it's delightful to imagine the juxtaposition of what we know the story to be, and what a nine year old child will conjure. Without further ado, I give you some of our favourite lines from Gab Flabs (but I've spared you the whole story....my last blog was long enough. This one is nice and short!):

The wolf cleaned as fast as he could to the dirty house, and bounced her up in one gulp. Next, he put on stinky books and diapers, and climbed into bed, waiting for Little Red Riding Hood.

Little Red Riding Hood thought her tired sock sounded a little gruff.

"Oh, what big hairy radios you have," said Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf tried to chew Little Red Riding Hood but tripped on creepy carpet and rolled right into the Woodcutter's path. 


On one terrible stormy night, with thunder and lightning, there was a booger at the stinky door. 


She said she was a sweaty eyeball but the Queen did not sip her but decided to give her an icicle anyway. 


The Queen invited the tongue to tea and said she could scrunch the wanker. 


While the princess released her panties and ate woody knuckles, the Queen thought of a way to find out if she was a real princess.


Only a real princess could be so liquidy to jump a pea through twenty chickens and toe nails. 


Once upon a time there were three bears who lived in a slimy bum in the woods.


"Not by the hair of my chewy feet!" said the little pig.


"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll snort your eyes in!" said the wolf. 


The wolf discoed on the dog.


"Not by the farm of my hairy kid!" said the little pig.


"Not by the pants of my curly banana!" said the little pig.


Jack lived with his juicy widowed mother at the edge of the woods.


On the way to the market, Jack instead snorted the pickles for a few, magic snots from a gypsy. 


Suddenly Jack squished a butthole like thunder. "Bring me my nose and bubblegum machine!" 


Jack slid down the beanstalk, grabbed his earwax and began to bounce. 


....and a large Billy-Goat Gruff, who was the largest and with two smelly buttocks. (are you seeing a theme here?)

The grass was so green and tasty that they came up with a plan to retch the ugly old troll and get to the other side. 

 Ok, I'll stop for now, but I guarantee you, if you have bored kids in the backseat on a long road trip to God knows where, you can get away with not plugging in a movie if you have one of these books available. They are seriously hours of entertainment. And think of how fantastic an exercise this would be for writing Surrealist poetry, or any kind of poetry for that matter! And the drawings that could be created. These phrases mess with our minds, in a good way. Whew! So here's a plug for Amazon by connecting you to their link so you can get one of these books for yourself. Enjoy!

Tickle your funny bone with one of these books!

You Really Don't Want to be a Bossy Baboon, Do Ya?

I just heard a great story at a conference a couple of days ago that went something like this: a guy (not just your typical guy, a brilliant guy that seems to really know his stuff ) went to Africa every summer to study a group of baboons. Sounds like fun, doesn't it....His intention was to study stress and how it affects baboons, so he would nonchalantly tranquilize baboons with a blow dart and test their blood levels and do all kinds of neat stuff in that regard. What he noticed in his 20 year plus span of studying the baboons was that the aggressive, assertive, dominant males were actually assholes. This professor quickly concluded that he didn't like the baboons, and the other baboons didn't seem to really like them either. Surprise, surprise. These alpha males didn't have a worry in the world. They never had to fight off natural stressors and always got their way with the baboon ladies, the baboon food, the best baboon trees, the works.....they were baboon pimps. Then one day all of the baboons went to a dumpster and started eating rotting meat. Little did this tribe know that the meat was laden with tuberculosis. Who do you think died? Did you guess the weakest of the tribe? If so, then you'd be wrong. You got it, the bossy baboons bit the dust. They died because they were so used to getting everything that they wanted while everyone else went through the stress of ensuring they were safe and taken care of, that the pimps never developed their own natural instinct to be aware of danger. And the weaker baboons sat back and snickered their baboon snickers as those gluttons gobbled away. At least 1/3 of the baboons in that tribe died. Naturally you'd think that other baboons would take over the role and start being bossy baboons all over again, but interestingly, the baboons were so happy that the big red-assed meanies were dead, that they decided not to allow aggression rule their tribe again. Now all of the baboons were taking care of each other, becoming more aware of their surroundings and responding to their environment and tree mates protectively and thoughtfully.

So, what the hell does this baboon story have to do with anything? Well, I personally think that story in itself is enough to sustain a blog on its own, leaving you to contemplate your own existence and whether you consider yourself categorized as a pimped-out baboon or not. But actually, this story was told at a workshop about attachment and how the brain and body responds to a plethora of attachment disorders. The baboon story was told in response to information regarding stress and how the body deals with stress in different ways, depending on whether a person has attachment "issues" or not (because ultimately, people/baboons that don't have attachment issues easily deal with stress.) Yeah. So now you're probably sitting there thinking, "Oh come on. Everyone in the world has SOME kind of stress in their life. It doesn't mean that I have an attachment issue." And trust me, I'm not hear to judge you and decide whether you're a baboon or not, and whether you have issues or not. (My life mantra is, "It's not my shit".)  I just find this information fascinating and will leave you to chew on it for a while and decide whether it's worth regurgitation or not. Here's what I think I learned;

Attachment is an emotional bond which gives a sense of security and should be obtained from at least one parent. We start to form attachments as soon as we make a connection between pleasure and rewards, like when a baby is born and is immediately attached to the mother's breast to feed. That's the most typical example that can be most readily identified, I'm sure, but that's just one of many, many, many. Ultimately the most important part is that the parent and the baby do what is called "beaming and gleaming" where they look in each others eyes, the pupils dilate and they trigger a feel good chemical response in the right orbitofrontal cortex  which is right behind the right eye. The right orbitofrontal cortex (which I'll from here on in refer to as the ROFC which is totally NOT a scientifically used term but it's a pain in the ass to type it all the time) is the big cheese of your cognitive brain. Your ROFC is the filter that controls your attention span, your impulses, your emotions and decisions. It's a pretty good area to develop and if you don't do that beaming and gleaming with someone then you're going to be in for it. Fortunately, the parent has up to 18 months to form these attachments. It seems like a long amount of time, but it's surprising how quickly that time can go by without thoroughly creating this fantastic chemical reaction and developing some hard wiring in the brain. It's one of those "you snooze, you lose" things, where if that part of the brain isn't used, those cells get "pruned" and don't create what might be considered "normal" attachments. 

Here's an example of what I mean....

There's a really groovy chart out there called the Dynamic-Maturational Model of Patterns of Attachment in Adulthood which shows a wide spectrum of attachment "disorders". No, I don't like the word disorder, I'm going to say "issues" instead.  Our goal as human beings is to be balanced of course, but man, it's really difficult to fit into that category on the top of that chart. And ironically, a balanced person is actually quite boring and we as humans, don't really want to be hanging out with the B type. They suck at making life interesting, but ironically, that's what we should strive to be. Check it out below...

So let me explain this chart in a nutshell, as best as I can, with all of my naive terminology and brief, three day understanding of what behavioral analysts have spent a lifetime developing. Right at the top you'll see the "B" person. In this case, "B" represents balance, and that is what humans without attachment issues are. They are pretty comfortable with life and can deal with stress pretty well. B can also represent "boring".

As you slide down the chart to the left, you start to tap in to cognitive responses to attachment issues. A person with an attachment issue may become a bit reserved and socially inhibited if they go down this slippery slope. This A type will also do whatever they can to please others without any consideration of themselves. As humans, we have a tendency to like these people. We consider them nice and caring and willing to go out of their way to help others, but actually they aren't even considering themselves at all in all of this caring that they're doing for others. They are a doormat and easy to push around. At their most extreme, before they become a psychopath, these people can get to the point of being compulsively promiscuous, and that doesn't necessarily mean in a sexual way. They will just mold to whatever others want them to be and have completely no sense of identity whatsoever. Sometimes we consider these people to be 'well rounded' because they are so malleable. These people listen to the strongest voice that just so happens to be in their face at that time and will follow those directions. Think gang mentality, think prostitution and then consider that these people most likely didn't have any gleaming and beaming in their life and you'll quickly recognize that they didn't necessarily make that choice to be where they are at that point in their life. Think of that quintessential, 'what kind of person are you', question. If your answer is "whatever you want me to be" then you're probably a classic type "A" person.

On the other side of this circle is the classic "C" type person who deals with their attachment issues in a completely opposite way; in an emotional way. This person may start off as just being reactive, and then transcend into threatening and disarming behavior. An excellent example is the child that pulls the dog's tail or scratches the siblings arms and then immediately responds with a "sorry" and an innocent smile. America's Funniest Home Videos is full of threatening and disarming behavior and it makes us laugh because of the cute factor. But if that behavior isn't rectified, then the person moves on to being more manipulative, more aggressive, and more capable of believing their distorted cognitive lies. They are the person that will punch you in the face and then come up with a really great excuse as to why they did it. They'll genuinely believe what they have told you, and will be manipulative enough to convince you that you deserved that hit. They're seductive and lure people into believing their thoughts. Ironically, most politicians are C types and we like them, even though we're well aware that they're full of shit. Here's the spooky part. If these people, as either A types or C types continue on their path of detached behavior, then they become psychopaths, the complete opposite of a balanced person. So, we may find the B type to be boring, but it's a heck of a lot better than the opposite side of that spectrum.

Now here's the kicker....most type A's seek out type C's in terms of relationships, and visa versa, and I mean all relationships, not just romantic ones.  Caring, giving, doormat A's are looking for  aggressive, manipulative, I can do it on my own C's. C's are charming and A's are cute and kind. Are you thinking about your relationship dynamics right now? I know I was. (It made me think of those scenarios when you see a really sweet guy dating a super bitch. You sit back in disbelief as this woman is completely capable of humiliating this man, but he continues to trod on in the relationship, catering to her every whim. He would never date the nice girl....he's naturally attracted to this type of person, because she fills a need based on his detached background. Mind boggling, but it makes sense.) So, are you thinking you're the bossy meat eating baboon, or the submissive meat giving baboon? Well, the good news is that most people either recognize those behaviors and look for ways to rectify those situations, or they have friends, counselors, teachers, and the like telling them to give their head a shake, usually with a good smack upside of the head (figuratively speaking, of course. I'd never let anyone smack me upside of the head.). For the most part, at least we can't say that we weren't told, right?

So then after I did the categorization of myself and thought about what I was and who I choose to surround myself with, I went on to think about how I deal with the stressors in my life because of my mild detachment issues (yes, I'll admit to at least a mild case of detachment haha). So, if you've got some form of detachment, which ultimately everyone does, except for "boring gramma's" (that was the presenter's words, not mine) then you've got to have some way of dealing with the stress of being detached, usually without even knowing it. This detached person lives their life with a feeling of insecurity in themselves and their surrounding. They have issues with trust and do weird stuff to compensate for all of these stressful issues. Self soothing begins and people start making strange attachments to different things, like objects or food or sounds or cults or other sensations that create that amazing pleasure/reward gratification (Like why the hell do some people need to be sniffing a pair of shoes to have any sexual gratification? I just don't get it. What happened there?!). By the way, the four ways that people self-sooth is through the mouth, the nose, the bellybutton and the genitals. Just saying.....(perhaps you just always considered it a "habit"?)

So, from my own personal experience, I had an "aha" moment. I was able to recognize all of my self-soothing behaviors, from sucking my thumb as a child to chronically biting my nails, using food as a substitute for love in my past, my perhaps robust love for beer, and finally, my pleasurable connection to music. Yes, I have come to realize that music is a major contributor to soothing my soul and keeping me "attached". And I'm not alone. The amygdala in our brain, our sensory receiver, tags these various sensors and decides whether we should be put into a calming mode or jump into a fight or flight response. One time I was freaking out over an incident that happened to my son at school. After opening and closing the fridge door subconsciously and unsuccessfully seeking what I needed, three times, I put on my sneakers and went for a run while listening to my iPod. I wasn't aware of the reasoning behind my actions until I had released the stress through my actions, and I felt great upon my return home. Much better than I did in the past when I would have just eaten a ham sandwich satisfying that oral sensation. I moved beyond my regular patterns and had a healthy response to stress.I should really chew gum........

A friend of mine recently shared his sensory experience with me about music. He said that he made burned CD's for his brother for Christmas, carefully selecting specific songs. He then said that he re-listened to those songs, and imagined what his brother was thinking when he was hearing those words and that rhythm and hoped that he was connected to his brother's thoughts through those songs. I totally knew where he was coming from because I too have a tendency to do that for others; share my music with them, and I too, had just given my mother 3 CD's of burned music for Christmas. To me, the words of music express what I perhaps can't say for myself, and it's not necessarily just the message of the song; it's the tempo of the song, the lilt in the rhythm, the combination of specific instruments, the tonal quality of the musician's voice. He also gave me the gift of songs that actually stopped me in my tracks when I had the opportunity to listen and I openly and unexpectedly wept at the generosity of that music.  Music reaches and heals for those that don't know how to attach in other ways, perhaps. That may be why so many people love music....it's tapping on our amygdala and telling us that everything's going to be ok. Music is my gleaming and beaming. Nobody gets hurt through music. (As an interesting side note, if you listen to music from that perspective, you soon notice that most lyrics deal with some form of detachment; missing someone, loving someone that doesn't love back, feeling lost, feeling alone, yearning, craving, desire....Again, perhaps that's why I love Leonard Cohen's "Chelsea Hotel #2" so much....."we're ugly but we have the music".)

Now you've gotta listen to it.....

And it made me think of all the unhealthy ways that people sooth; through greasy foods, and alcohol and brain burning drugs (those people literally want to burn holes in their brain so that they don't have to feel anything at all ever again) and all kinds of high risk adventures. Those baboons were so detached that they were willing to dive right in to that poisonous, rotting meat without even questioning anything at all. Unfortunately, because they're baboons in Africa and didn't have the opportunity to go to the same workshop that I did,  they didn't learn that you can repair. Even if you are in the depths of despair, being one pie wedge away from becoming a pyschopath on that colourful, spooky attachment chart, you can still change. You can still learn to deal with your hard wiring that was developed a long, long time ago and make those changes. That's the beauty of life and the beauty of the brain. Even if you think you're a cantankerous, stubborn, SOB that can't even consider the concept of change and that you're fine the way you are, (thank you very much for your pseudo-analysis Ms. Bobinski), at least it's nice to know that you can. And if you've always been that nit-picking baboon that 's going to preen everyone else before yourself, at least you should know that there's still an opportunity for you to be preened as well, if you want to be.

If you're willing to be.